Quotes from Chivas and Lies


Jack: You've liked everything you've seen, including that crappy studio where the bathtub was in the kitchen.
Jill: Food and nakedness, think of the possibilities.

Jill: Give me four walls, cable and a powerful flush.

Jack: What are you doing?
Jill: Testing the floors.

Mikey: I don't know, apparently it's not enough to really really want the bar, I gotta have credit history to boot.

Elisa: All right, you're the psychiatrist. What is it about you and me and confined spaces?

Barto: No, this isn't my phone sex voice. Why, is it working?

Mikey: What happens if I pinch this?
Barto: My heart stops.
Mikey: What happens if I just twist it a little?
Barto: What happens if I tell you to leave it alone?

Jill: So, what are you suffering from?
Barto: Small bowel obstruction.
Jill: You couldn't fake anything sexier, like Malaria?
Mikey: Or anything venereal?

Barto: You're looking at a guy who spent all morning in front of a mirror practicing cramps.

Jack: Could it be that you've found someone who's a good listener? They're rumored to exist.

Barto: You're angry.
Dr. Madison: I'm an educator, I don't get angry. I teach... lessons.

Jill: If it makes you feel any better, he photographs kinda heavy.

Peter: I think you're funny and charming, kind and beautiful. But that's the obvious.
Elisa: You know what? That's actually enough.
Peter: I think you're a little insecure, but not half as much as you protest to be. And you think if people saw how confidant you really are, they'd be turned off. I think you don't have a favorite color because you don't want to be tied down. I think you remember birthdays without having to write them down, and at night, you worry about your parents growing old in that split second before you fall asleep. And I think you care... about all the things good people care about.

Jack: The ad said "cozy and inviting." Apparently they meant to roaches.

Barto: You just can't keep your fingers off buttons, can you?

Barto: I was kinda hoping for a first date that would impress you.
Sarah: I am impressed. You wore a gown.

Elisa: Say something helpful, please.
Jack: That's a great color on you!

Audrey: Someone say something to cheer me up now.
Elisa: That is a great color on you.

Jack: You sure you don't mind?
Barto: Happy to go.
Jack: Coaster!

Audrey: Excuse me, everybody! Look, I know that some of you have seen my film and others of you have heard about it. I figure we have a couple of options here: we could either hold a forum and discuss the merits of the film, or we could all just agree that it sucked and move on with class.


Back to episode info